He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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