I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
