She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
