I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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