I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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