I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Randomize
