I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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