i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
