I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
