The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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