There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
