Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
