"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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