Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
