just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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