It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
