My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
