similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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