If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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