today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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