I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
