your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
