If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
