Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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