I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
