some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
