If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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