I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
its liver damage thursday
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
