Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
