my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
