Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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