im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize