She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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