Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
