I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
