A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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