omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
