you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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