I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
