I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
