I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
