If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
