why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
