Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
My bed smells like the plague
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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