New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
