my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
