I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
