last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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