The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
