my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
so much tequila, so little girl.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
