apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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