Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
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