apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
