the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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