Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
