if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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